A song I wrote

SlashboiSlashboi Opening Act
edited October 2010 in History of Rock
What do you guys think of this song? It's capoed on the 4th fret...I'm too lazy to talk about the chord names in actuality when it is capoed at the 4th fret, so I'll just say the regular chord shapes.

"The Brain" (capoed at the 4th fret)

You want to get inside its brain? (e major)
It's time to leave now, not to stay. (up a semi-tone)
When the end comes, (e major)
you'll be an atrocity. (up a semi-tone)
You better leave before, (e major)
it's too late. (up a semi-tone)

I'm sick, (f minor)
Of all this impatience (c major)
and disregard for living beings (A minor)
The brain is angry now (C major)
Our fault, there's too (A minor)

(same chord progression as previous verse)
It's time,
to walk down the beaten path
and not travel
on roads you can't see
it'll be angry
if you do otherwise

(instrumental)

(same chord progression as previous chorus)
I'm sick,
of all this tyranny,
and inhuman
justifications
The brain is full of maggots
it's dead now
our fault, theres too

It's time to leave now not to stay. (e minor)
We already know what's inside its brain. (up a semi-tone - e minor)

Please tell me your opinion...but I'd appreciate if you weren't overly harsh. Thanks for reading my lyrics!

Comments

  • acdcrockacdcrock Road Warrior
    edited October 2010
    The lyrics are okay, if a little depressing. I couldn't find my capo so I played along with it just playing an F shape on the fourth fret then moving for the changes but when it came to the chorus I just played open chords (barre F minor, oh that pun is ingenius). Sounded decent, but of course I put my own rhythm on it so I don't know about yours
  • JukeBoxHeroJukeBoxHero Headliner
    edited October 2010
    Instrumentally it might be solid but I find the lyrics to be rather weak. A lot of the same sentiments said in typical ways.
  • SlashboiSlashboi Opening Act
    edited October 2010
    acdcrock;4075146 said:
    The lyrics are okay, if a little depressing. I couldn't find my capo so I played along with it just playing an F shape on the fourth fret then moving for the changes but when it came to the chorus I just played open chords (barre F minor, oh that pun is ingenius). Sounded decent, but of course I put my own rhythm on it so I don't know about yours
    The song should be played to about 5 minutes in length depending on the instrumental span. Thanks for the constructive criticism.
  • darkwinterbeast8darkwinterbeast8 Headliner
    edited October 2010
    What style would this be? I personally could see it working as an indie rock song played in a happy beat and tone with those lyrics being the contrast point.
  • polishdog90polishdog90 Road Warrior
    edited October 2010
    It's hard to judge a song without hearing it. Melody and rhythm are too important.
  • SlashboiSlashboi Opening Act
    edited October 2010
    darkwinterbeast8;4084209 said:
    What style would this be? I personally could see it working as an indie rock song played in a happy beat and tone with those lyrics being the contrast point.
    It's a sort of indie/folk rock style...
  • Onslaught_feiOnslaught_fei Headliner
    edited October 2010
    how about you actually play and record the goddamn song for people to listen to
  • darkwinterbeast8darkwinterbeast8 Headliner
    edited October 2010
    perhaps then post the link to the song somewhere on this board.
  • SlashboiSlashboi Opening Act
    edited October 2010
    Onslaught_fei;4085689 said:
    how about you actually play and record the goddamn song for people to listen to
    Because I'm not too good at singing. Anyway, I wasn't looking for a critique on the music so much as I was looking for critique on the lyrics.
  • TheCoolGuyTheCoolGuy Road Warrior
    edited October 2010
    I sang it about two octaves higher than the human voice is capable of and completely monotone, and strummed in 26/7.5 time. It sound terrible. Therefore, the song is terrible.

    Basic instructions would do wonders, and even if you can't sing, just try so the consumer has an idea about how it's done.
  • SlashboiSlashboi Opening Act
    edited October 2010
    thecoolguy;4086649 said:
    i sang it about two octaves higher than the human voice is capable of and completely monotone, and strummed in 26/7.5 time. It sound terrible. Therefore, the song is terrible.

    Basic instructions would do wonders, and even if you can't sing, just try so the consumer has an idea about how it's done.
    ...i'm asking about the lyrics
  • JukeBoxHeroJukeBoxHero Headliner
    edited October 2010
    JukeBoxHero;4075200 said:
    Instrumentally it might be solid but I find the lyrics to be rather weak. A lot of the same sentiments said in typical ways.
    Opinion still stands but looking back while I think it's weak lyrically still(word choice), you have a great line at the ending.
    "It's time to leave now not to stay.
    We already know what's inside its brain"
  • SlashboiSlashboi Opening Act
    edited October 2010
    JukeBoxHero;4086921 said:
    Opinion still stands but looking back while I think it's weak lyrically still(word choice), you have a great line at the ending.
    "It's time to leave now not to stay.
    We already know what's inside its brain"
    thanks man.
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