Legendary Tales of Rock

PippoPippo Unsigned
edited July 2008 in History of Rock
Old stuff, not mine (don't know the author). Try to read imaging Rock Band characters and enjoy. Plot: The knight rescues the princess held in a castle with a dragon.


MELODIC METAL
The guy reaches to the castle in a mythic winged white horse, escapes from the dragon and saves the princess. They fly through the skies for a while, and then they descend to the green grass and make love.

TRUE METAL
The guy reaches to the castle, kills the dragon in a bloody battle and gets to the princess room covered in blood, where they make love loudly.

TRASH METAL
The guy reaches to the castle, kills the dragon as wildly as he can with a constant headbang movement, then he gets to the tower where the princess is held, has sex with her and gets out of there while headbanging.

HEAVY METAL
The guy reaches in his Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, rescues the princess and goes to the road pub with her and some other guys. They get drunk and have sex in the toilet.

FOLK METAL
The guy reaches to the castle playing his accordion, with a some friends playing flutes, violins and other typical instruments. They make the dragon sleep and, after a couple of hours of rhythmic dancing, they get out of there… without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The guy reaches in his ship, kills the dragon with a giant axe, then impale it, grill it and eats the whole beast. Then he rapes then princess, loot the castle and burn it down before going back to the highlands.

DEATH METAL
The guy gets to the castle as usual, challenge the dragon to see which one has the most hoarse voice. The guy wins (of course), kills the dragon, have sex with the princess, kills her and takes her head in a wooden stick.

BLACK METAL
The guy reaches to the castle in a dark foggy night. He kills the dragon, sodomize the princess, cut her veins with a knife and drinks her blood in a satanic ritual until she dies and resuscitate as a vampire duchess.

GORE METAL
The guy reaches to the castle, kills the dragon, take its bones and goes to the tower where the princess is held. He has sex with her and then kills her. And then he has sex with her again, and burns her body. And then has sex with her again. And then… you don't want to know...

DOOM METAL
The guy reaches there as usual, see how huge the castle is and get depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats is body and then eats the princess and the universe enters in a new age of darkness.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The guy reaches to the castle guided by the faith, makes an exorcism to the dragon, converts the princess stating she is a sacred virgin and then rebuilds the castle to make a church.

NU METAL
The guy reaches the castle saying that he is awesome and creating hype around the idea that he can easily win the battle with the dragon. He can't and the dragon beats him. He escapes running and hides in the tower where the princess is held. He tells the princess the sad history of his childhood. The princess slaps his and goes to find the Heavy Metal guy. The Nu Metal guy takes a pill of prozak and launches a 'Greatest Hits' album.

CLASSIC ROCK & ROLL
The guy reaches the castle in his motorbike smoking grass, offers marijuana to the dragon and they become friends quickly. Then he goes camping to the garden with the princess and, after so much sex, drugs and rock & roll, he gets an overdose of LSD and gets drowned in his own vomit.

PUNK
He reaches shouting and kills the dragon by launching rocks, then paints a circle with an A inside in every wall, then makes a crest in the princess' hair, and opens a tatoo shop in the basement of the castle. Wild years are gone.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
He reaches the castle and plays a virtuous guitar solo that lasts 26 minutes. The dragon gets bored and commits suicide. The guy goes to the princess tower and plays another solo, exploring all the tonal aspects and techniques learnt in the Conservatory last year. The princess gets bored, leaves him and goes to find the Heavy Metal guy.

HARD ROCK
The bastard reaches in a red convertible with two blonde groupies, all drinking Jack Daniel's. He enjoys killing the dragon with his knife, gets the princess into the convertible, and they all go to an orgy with the blondes.

GLAM ROCK
The guy reaches the castle. The dragon sees him full of make up, thinks he's a clown, and let him pass by. He guy gets to the room where the princess is held, and takes her hairspray and her eye liner. Then, he paints the castle in pink and changes the princess hair style back to 80s. More make up is needed.

GRUNGE
The guy reaches, kills the dragon and states that having killed the dragon sucks. Then he goes where the princess is, but she does not want to open the door because he smells bad and needs a shower. The guy does not matter, gets high with heroin and then looses the sense for a while. States that everything sucks.

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